Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
